A secret message for Climate-Change Skeptics..


I admittedly find it hard to believe that such a large proportion of scientists in any field, climatology or otherwise, could actually conspire together to pull off this big of a hoax when at all other times they’re competing pretty intensely against each other for funding and attention. Heck, most of us mad scientistsGrumpy Visionaries would sooner give up our armies of Atomic Robot Zombie Clones than share credit for scientific discoveries. Still, I’m just cynical enough to believe that it’s not impossible. Even if it’s true, though, I don’t care, because something unprecedented and very important is happening right now, and there’s no way we’re likely to ever have this chance again.

To those of you reading this who agree that something needs to be done about “Climydia” (hat-tip – if I wore a hat – to Justin Jackson of “This Week in Science” for this neologism; a combination of “Climate” and “Chlamydia”, if it’s not obvious, making “Global Warming” a metaphorical embarassing but hopefully curable disease): you can stop reading now. I agree. We must do something about it. It is a serious problem and needs to be corrected. The rest of this post is for those who don’t agree. Go ahead and click away. Don’t worry, I’ll tell the deniers off, you can go read something else now. Thanks.

Are they gone?. Okay, good. Now, listen, this is just between us, but something really big is happening right now. Right now, as I write this, millions of environmentalists are insisting that we apply our seriously formidable scientific abilities to doing something about climate change.

Did you get that? Let’s try again: Environmentalists are saying that climate (that is, long-term trends in the global weather) is a problem that needs to be corrected.

No? Well, let me rephrase that for you one more time:

Millions of Gaia-loving, tree-hugging, granola-munching hippy environmentalists are demanding that we learn to control the friggin’ weather! Worldwide, over long periods of time! We’re not going to have this chance again! If you had suggested even a couple of decades ago that we start researching something like this, environmentalists would have freaked out! “No, we can’t ‘play God’!” “It’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature™![1]” and so on. Now it’s all “do something!”. I do not want to end up waiting until they catch on and we end up with the only solution being to live in caves eating berries and dirt for a few centuries. You’ve got to throw your support behind this now, before it’s too late!

I don’t care if Global Warming is human-caused or not, dagnabbit! If you people blow my ONE chance of having a Tornado Ray in my back yard I will NOT forgive you! EVER!

(sigh) Yes, they could probably make thunderstorms over enemy combatants and stuff too, if you require a military application before you’ll support it…

[1] This post has nothing to do with Chiffon brand margarine, the phrase just seemed appropriate in this context…

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The Author is (currently) an autodidactic student of Industrial and Environmental microbiology, who is sick of people assuming all microbiology should be medical in nature, and who would really like to be allowed to go to graduate school one of these days now that he's finished his BS in Microbiology (with a bonus AS in Chemistry). He also enjoys exploring the Big Room (the one with the really high blue ceiling and big light that tracks from one side to the other every day) and looking at its contents from unusual mental angles.

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